It’s hard to pin down exactly why I have been thinking about the end times as of late. It might be the real-life pandemic that has no end on the horizon. Or maybe it's everyone’s Don’t Look Up tweets. This week, though, it is almost certainly due to the fact I binged watched all the episodes of Yellowjackets on Showtime. I’m not 100% sure what is going on under the show’s trippy-horror mystery surface, which follows the survivors of a girls high school soccer team whose plane crashes in the remote wilderness of the American northwest—both in the months after the crash as they struggle to hang on to their lives and sanity in the wilderness and 25 years after the fact as they do the same, now reintegrated into society.
So now, faced with the possibility of packing for another pandemic getaway, I have to ask myself the question that had been dormant since the days when LOST was on ABC: “What if I ended up stranded in the elements? And, more importantly, what will I be forced to wear?” Below, the ideal packing list for a hypothetical Yellowjackets scenario.
These boots are not only cute but the thick gummy soles would most likely keep your feet out of the mud and avoid getting wet-sock syndrome, which is one step down the slippery slope to hypothermia. Plus, the heavy-duty laces, straps, and clip-on handle attachment could prove useful in a number of situations. Not to mention the thick tongues look warm, the color would blend in with the foliage as you approach wildlife (or run away from it). I would recommend just wearing these on the flight to avoid weighing down your checked bag.
Not only does this catsuit look warm and could easily layer under other clothes with its form-fitting cut, but its lack of excess fabric makes it the ideal garment for traipsing through the wilderness without getting caught in a tree, though you might find yourself picking those burrs out of its furry material. Nonetheless, bears might mistake you for one of their own and feed you, or assume you are some radioactive creature they have yet to encounter and leave you alone. And in the ideal situation where you board, take off, and reach your intended destination, it can offer the effect of a cozy blanket that the airlines no longer pass out.
You’ll definitely need a pair of slides for your nightly excursions to use the restroom in the woods, or to wear during less active periods as you wait for the rescue team to arrive. And there’s no doubt you’ll need to locate a source of water sooner rather than later, so consider these your bathroom-shower-soaking-beach sandals.
We have already established that you’re going to need to find a source of water. That beat-up beverage cart will only go so far—that is if you can even find it in the wreckage. But perhaps second only to water and food, you will need God. I was made a believer by way of memes and Mary Karr’s oeuvre (which I also will have hoped to pack for her work is nothing if not re-readable) and the I Need God shop is where I come for all of my funny faith-inspired looks. This bathing suit will be a great conversation starter with fellow survivors, which would most likely keep you from swimming in the buff, but if that’s your prerogative, do you.
This crewneck, which is a collaboration between I Need God and Wonder Press, an innovative literary publisher, is also highly layerable, very soft, and acts as a reminder to you and others that worship, prayer, and salvation don’t always sound like you’d expect.
I really hope I won't lose my sense of humor after such a whirlwind as surviving a plane crash, and packing this shirt would be a harbinger of good jokes to come. Can a graphic tee still be ironic if there’s no one in the woods to see it?
Now this is a slight nod to the ‘90s nostalgia of Yellowjackets, an overt call to action via bad bitch girl power survivor icon Courtney Love, and an attempt to fashion myself after my favorite yellowjacket (Natalie, duh). The plus side of this periwinkle (Pantone's color of the year, by the way) graphic band tee is that its inevitable wear and tear will it only add to the grunge look. Maybe it will even be mistaken for vintage once you’re back to civilization.
In such a desperate situation, one can only hope for some sort of a stranded tryst. This would be a little something you can break out to spice things up when the day-to-day becomes a little rote. But perhaps most important is since you are without laundry machines, services, or laundromats, hand-washing your clothes has become a way of life so this beautiful silk satin slip from La Perla isn’t such an inconvenience to care for after all.
This is a simple-yet-versatile pair of thin gold-colored bands. The fact that there are two makes these the ideal option should you make a plane crash BFF or find a boo thing to wait it out with. Like friendship bracelets for the lost and soon-to-be found.
This Dionysis ring is perfect for Yellowjackets cosplay, particularly because Dionysis is known as the horned god, the god of wine, and god of general excess. Hopefully, you too, will find a way to tap into the ritualistic bacchanalia of prancing around in the woods like our state champions have. Though I can’t in good conscience recommend any seances for funsies. However, should any malevolent spirits arise from the chunk of land you find yourself stranded on, the opal stones melted into the band are a symbol of hope, purity, and amplification, all of which you’ll desperately need.
The Haute Beach Hat by Sensi Studio is ideal for the stagnant times as it might slow you down while running through the woods, or get caught in the wind climbing up a mountain. It also has the added benefit of protecting your chest and shoulders with its incredibly wide brim.
This Grace Eleaye hat, also a light color, won’t collect undue heat beneath its brim like its darker counterparts. It will remain protective of the face and versatile enough to wear during most survival activities.
If you’re not protecting your skin, the least you can do is give your eyes a break from the unrelenting daylight sun. I recommend rose-colored glasses in this situation for obvious reasons. If I had all the choices in the world, I would go for the Chloé glasses solely to be reminded of the music I would dance to upon my re-entry to society, humming along to Jay-Z’s “Me You and your Chloé glasses / Go somewhere private where we can discuss fashion” as I collect firewood or look for non-poisonous berries or whatever task the group has deemed fit for a girl like me.
If you’re looking for some rose-colored shades that are both more economical and better at keeping the sun from peeking through, these from Debranchet have a black wrap-around structure to keep you from squinting for rescue helicopters.
Survival Gear...Sort Of
It’s wild fantasy fever dream times like these that separate the strong from the weak, the brave from the scared, and those who prefer form and those who perform function. I’m certainly, perhaps to my detriment, more committed to looking fly when I’m boarding an aircraft than I am prepping for any emergency landing scenarios.
Here are the items I’d most likely have on me, which are so close to being something useful in the wilderness, and the items I should have worn had I been prepared for the unexpeccted.
Best of luck, babes. It’s a jungle out here.