This Is What Happens When You Try to Eat Like Gisele

My sentiments toward dieting are similar to the way I feel about vain, skinny jean-clad musicians: avoid at all costs. Don’t get me wrong—I like the idea of a diet (and the idea of a skinny jean-clad musician, if we’re going to be honest). Wholesome, rainbow-hued fruits and veggies for breakfast, lunch, and dinner sound like the stuff my Instagram-filtered dreams are made of. Except, well, I really like bread. And noodles. And meat. And anything fried, really—I don’t discriminate. Thus, starving detoxing myself in the name of good health (and my own personal goal: a flatter stomach) sounds like an unpleasant challenge that I’d rather avoid. No, thank you. I will continue slurping my fatty-broth ramen bowl as you sip your green juice.

Lately, however, I’ve been giving diets a second glance—and one diet in particular. The alkaline diet has been getting a lot of buzz, as toned, sinewy celebs like Gisele Bündchen and Gwyneth Paltrow are said to follow its teachings. What exactly is the alkaline diet? You can read more about it here, but basically, it is the belief that eating more alkaline foods and less acidic foods can bring your body to prime health—and prime health leads to weight loss, clearer skin, shinier hair, and raised energy levels. The thing that sets this diet (or rather, way of living) apart from other cleanses is that it doesn’t involve counting calories or restricting yourself. Instead, you’re able to eat all the food that you want—as long as they’re alkaline. An “all you can eat” diet sounds right up my alley, which is why I agreed to go on Dr. Daryl Gioffre’s Get Off Your Acid 7-Day Cleanse. Eating like Gisele and Gwyneth (and Dr. Gioffre’s client, Kelly Ripa) sounded both terrifying and challenging, but the doctor assured me that the cleanse was achievable, mainly because there was no starvation involved; I would simply be cutting out acidic foods like dairy, meat, gluten, caffeine, and alcohol. Never mind that this made up 80% of my current diet. I was ready to eat like Gisele. Armed with my alkaline powders and the freshest, greenest Trader Joe’s haul I’ve had in a long time (or ever, really), I embarked on a detox that would change my perception of food for good.

Keep scrolling to read about my experience!